Why is he making excuses

It sounds like your gut is telling you that something is seriously wrong here, please please please listen to it. In adult romantic relationships, most of us like to be monogamous. That means you have his love, and he has yours, nothing more nothing less. I smell a rat….

Like why are you waiting for THIS man in particular? Or how could someone who supposedly is so fond of you think that this is all that you deserve? They leave. You are not in agood place to start up anything new, least of all getting into OW position with an excuses ridden bullshitting MM. I played second fiddle for 2 years and it is a heartwrenching, demoralizing situation.

U and the FBG which is totally fabulous. The pain of going NC now will be nothing in comparaison to the pain you experience when you wake up 2 years later and he is still feeding you the same excuses for not leaving his wife. I spent two years thumping my head on the back door. I hope you will seriously consider not going along with his charade and buying his excuses as well as making up your own excuses. When I woke up and discovered BR, I felt foolish, angry, and sad too.

Sorry to hear about…. We have ALL heard it or a minor variation thereof. And his wife is not an excuse or even a reason.

She has a legal right to expect things from him. You, unfortunately or maybe fortunately do not. The man belongs to another and is unavailable! When a man is married, and you know they are married, they are unobtainable, off limits whatever. The mere thought of a man cosying up to another woman when he is married, especially if there are children involved, is disgusting behaviour.

And any woman who chases, and hooks up with such a man is on a hiding to nothing. Thanks everyone. Well, I do — I was lonely and feeling bad about myself and I knew this guy a little from church before he laid on the charm. And I tend to overanalyze things and so am truly puzzling over what is going through his mind. I know, I know, why should I waste energy caring, but I really am curious and I really want to stick it to him and let him have it.

Obama IS a world leader, but in spite of being SUPER busy running the country, he still makes time to take Michelle on romantic getaways and vacations!

A male friend once told me that if a man truly cares for a woman, he will move heaven and earth to be with her. Yeah, its time not to accept excuses as the buffer he or she uses to get what they want and how they want it, while the bottom line is whatever the excuse for them not giving us a healthy honest relationship is irrevelent… we get the unhealthy relationship by accepting excuses and the healthy one by not accepting anything else.

Tell it Gina! As much as it hurts to let them go, sometimes ya gotta laugh in order to make it through… with that said…. You do what is necessary to make things happen….

NOT make excuses. Wow, this is exactly what I needed to read today. You are so right…we need to pay better attention to our excuses because they really do mean something,.

Again it is like you are talking about me and my EUM!! One particularily funny now that I look back with some perspective, not so funny at the time! He just kept coming up with more excuses. The good news is, I think I am starting to get it, and get over it. Going on 6 weeks no contact and every day gets easier. I amuse myself knowing he is probably just panicked I will one day ask for an explanation, of which I have no intention.

I recently starting dating a surgeon, a specialist, who is available so far so good lives in the same city as me not like the EUM who lives in the US, me in Canada and he is at a conference this weekend accepting an award for his work, and he has had time to call and text and Facebook me EVERY DAY he has been gone. But he finds time for me every day, every single day, even when he is in town and has 20 patients to deal with.

He also teaches at the University at night. My point being of course that no one is too busy to show interest in someone they actually care about building a relationship with!!! It has been my absolute ephiphany sp? The ex was not an ex, even…. If my last ex is to be believed! It was indeed a very lucky escape, Grace!

He was not only a Faker to me, but is a Faker to himself and to every single person in his life. Wow Natalie, this post and reading the new edition of Mr. U and the FBG really got me digging deep. If I conveniently came down with a case of relationship amnesia and went along with the excuse de jour, I could continue to get my crack high without having to acknowlegde my underlying fears which was the real reason I paricipated in the myraid of excuses.

How to Break the Cycle is a great addition to your new edition. As long as I kept the focus on what a ratbastard he was, I got to avoid my issues. I almost emailed the racing car guy with the excuse that I have been busy. Thanks for your excellent post. Yes, it certainly is very scary indeed dealing with our own fears. Radio, if you can, stay with your fears and your self esteem issues.

There is no doubt these guys are ratbastards and we can filll our journals with their ratbastardness. Mine is. And we can stay angry at how we allowed them to use us and then came up with our own excuses for continuing.

It is is a never ending cycle, until we break it. It is about us. It is about our fears. That opponent is me. It sure does to me! Thanks for that comment.

I am a pretty formidable opponent too; I am beginning to see just how formidable! Cheers runner; really good advice. Thanks for this, Runner — yes, it makes absolutely perfect sense! We certainly are sometimes our own worst enemies!! Well guess what? Natalie knows — of course she does!!

Ah the excuses. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. Slimy on both our parts I know. I learned my lesson there. There has been and always was this undertone of something more. When he came back around this time and I asked point blank if he was involved or married, he admitted he was married. Dangling the carrot.

This time I was not a softy and did not fall for it. He wanted my attention, some ego stroke. Maybe the married life or life has him bored. That would not fly over well with the wife. It would always be on his timetable. And the reason, which he said it was because of his work schedule, he could not call me this time for a solid week, I know now is because the dude has a freakin wife!

That was the end of that. My rag is wrung out. I saw through his BS lie and excuses. Feel bad for his wife. It feels good to be able to have done that for the first time in my life!!! Even if I liked him, I did not let that blind me from his crap. Now if only I can get that strong enough of a backbone to deal with some of the people I work with that shove stuff off on me. Good for you!!! Friends can talk about those things, it may be a bit awkward for exes at first, but I think if both people truly want a friendship in the true sense of the word, it will show.

Your ex was either lying to you or lying to himself, just as mine was. Regardless of him being married or whatnot, we did get on quite well. We did enjoy talking to each other years ago but I had to shut that door because we were both involved. He married her regardless of the deep conversations we had and the intimate things we shared. He needs to be talking with her about stuff like that, not me. Color Orange, I have read your past comments and have to say I see some positive growth in you based on your last comment.

Although not immediate, the work we do on ourselves does pay off. Good for you for making a strong affirmative choice. We have all been down the road of heartache and some of us are on the winding road of self discovery. I agree with Jenny.

SO not about you!! Yeah this is the guy that emailed then sent a text asking when he could call. I was worried I had said something wrong. I was blaming myself for nothing. I suspect that is the case because, while he said he could not call based on his work schedule, he was more than likely trying to find a time when his wife was not around so he could call.

Which is a red flag. It was a solid week after he text me that he emailed telling me why he could not call work related and that is when I finally asked if he was married.

It still stinks. But, really, having intimate conversation with a married man does not sit well with me. You are right colour orange, if someone really wants to be your friend they are open about it. When its kept below the radar off wife or girlfriend then its not a true friendship. The asshole I have been allowing to sqat on my life, calls me at last wednesday after 30 something texts then talks for two and a half hours..

My ex EUM had a long list of excuses, and I always aired that I never felt like a priority or special anymore. Long story short, I finished University in the summer, he made my final year exams hellish with his drama and I caught a bad case of UTI which I was on antibiotics for, I was not sleeping and I was finding it hard to concentrate and him ontop made it a whole lot worse.

The day before he was supposed to see me I noticed him commenting on others fb walls talking about a night out same night he was supposed to see me. We had a huge row over txt because that was his way of rowing all the time and I just lost it, ontop of being ill I was even sick the morning of my last exam probably due to anxiety.

I was begging him saying please dont leave me I know this is worth fighting for, and he would say hes unsure because I treated him with disrespect, and I fell like putty in his hands promising him I would never disrespect him again…. Or something that removes you from the situation. As I think you know you need to get rid of him and go NC. The thing is im alone in Brighton, I have no family here and no solid friends.

Incredibly lonely, and Ive just moved in to a house with a couple of other girls but they seem to be having lives of their own. Im petrified that Im going to run into him every day because he lives here. I feel like Brighton is his and I dont belong here. I did the same when I moved to London and knew no-one except my ex. But there is a position worse than being all alone. I think most normal people find it hard to make friends when they move somewhere new. Accept that and make an effort anyway.

I hate that he is the only thing I feel I have here, when he mistreated me. I dont know how Im going to do this I really dont. My ex used me to cushion his move to a new town.

Congratulations on finishing university. So many options await you! Gosh Stephanie, your story reminds me of what I went through with an ex in my late teens and early twenties. I was in the hospital for a surgery and the only person that was there was my mom. Which was comforting but I wanted my pothead boyfriend to be there. He had to smoke a joint first. So he came in to see me for a good maybe 5 minutes…. I cried and cried and cried. I felt so alone, so unsupported, so uncared for.

The anxiety was a constant. And I would always go back to the sorry schmuck. When in reality he was the one being completely disrespectful to me. And I was this puppet on a string. In college I briefly dated another guy. I was so wrapped up in him, I failed a class. That is permanently on my school record now and I get disgusted with myself when I think about what I put myself through over a GUY. It was like I just kept dating my dad over and over again. Me me me me me me. I was in Brighton last year and I sat on the beautiful beach for a good hour.

Wow the anxiety feeling is exactly what I had in the last several weeks of being with him. Definitely the right word to describe how you feel when your with these men. Thank you for your response colororange, it sometimes hurts just to feel like you were so low down on their list of priorities, and although I ended it i feel like I was the one who was dumped….

One of the most miserable times of my life. I have only one piece of advice: Go home. You need to be around people who care about you if you possibly can.

I would like to go home but I have this job here till January and I like it. Its so hard to know what to do because I feel constantly anxious about it all.

My busy, busy dad. One conversation I had with the ex eum was about me pulling him up on texting me instead of calling me back. He then went on to tell me all the social things he had arranged and gone to. I pointed out two things one by the time he had texted me he could have called me and told me the exact same thing he had texted and two thats a lot of socialising for someone only speaking to family because you are so down.

He then paused and said yes it was gutless of me. His excuse when telling about his cheating was equally pathetic. He was feeling down about his mother feeling unwell and a female friend happened to drop by and she left only to drop by later with gifts a book that may help his mother and a plant to cheer him up.

I hugged her to say thank you and one thing led to another I needed comfort I was very upset about my mother. Unfortunately I always excused this excuse.

I have dated a few guys I can think of right off hand that used that same phrase with me. Drove me nuts! As Nat says, no one is that busy! Reasons come with solutions. Excuses come with NO solutions. Sounds about right to me or is this too simple a summary? I knew he was a workaholic and he worked hard, so I made excuses for his excuse by excusing him on the grounds that he must actually be very very very busy!

Poor man. And of course his time was way more valuable than mine. There was never ANY suggestion that he should stop being so busy and make more time for us. No solution. He only works for the airline part-time — one month on, one month off. One thing I do know about excuses, though, after the way he showed such utter disregard for my feelings — he is one big sorry excuse for a human being.

Radio and everyone else involved with Mr. Of course not. I HATE excuses! Over everything. MM eqals double heartbreak Amy. If he was any kind of decent man he would of left his Wife, got his shit together and then met someone. You can listen to his BS excuses all you want but in the cold light of day he is not a nice man and you will end up hurt. There are plenty of women on here that have been the OW and it never ended in them skipping off into the sunset together.

Why would you want a man who belongs to someone else? As a lady who has been cheated on it is a horrible place to be in.

Think of her and ask yourself why do you wan this man?. It is up to you however i dont think this will end up the way you want it to as he will probably never leave her.

Why set yourself for more heartbreak? What a disrespectful looser! Moving on. Natalie, After reading your blog for some time and recognizing myself and my relationship I finally did bite the bullet. I made so many excuses for him and accepted his excuses. As soon as I met him again he said all the right words. He told me how I was the love of his life and he wanted to be with me again blah blah blah But something was wrong.

I felt dread, anxiety, sleeplessness again. Mr Unavailable. The training, inconsistency to control, lack of empathy, highs and lows, his time being more important than mine…. I could go on and on. There are times I had to stop and just absorb since I am in a bit of shock that I could love such a person for so long but I understand that better now. Nat you are amazing and how you hit on things was mind boggling.

I am done. I have to figure out a way to have some closure since the last year it has been me letting him think we will go back and then cutting him off at the first sign of his dysfunction and inconsistency. The last time I cut him off was without explanation. I do think he deserves some kind of explanation as he was good to me in his own sick way but I know I cannot do this anymore at this stage of my life.

I just want to thank you for finally giving me clarity. I cannot be even friends with this man. He is so toxic to me and I am totally over his games and narcissism. Thank You and all these amazing women on here that helped to give me the clarity I needed.

Beth Glad you cut him off. Stay away from him and the need to explain anything to him will pass. Can someone shed some light on this craziness? If someone says they are too busy for a relationship….. My ex has plenty of dating profiles on the internet.

He is in a relationship as well. I asked him.. I still catch myself thinking.. These men NEED someone so badly to boost up their egos, give them support, listen to their problems, sex them etc. To be fair, we are often doing our own version of this dance…. I heard these lyrics the other day and thought, huh, Kardinal Offishial wrote what is on the mind of so many of these dudes we talk about here.

I knew what the underlying communication was and I made excuses for these excuses. Sorry if not making sense. I came not to expect anything less!

I totally get what you mean. There is a feeling of emptiness this treatment produces, especially when it comes after sex or at least a good amount of emotional intimacy. That time rolls around and I have to be the one to send the text message, which they pretend not to have noticed until I also message them on the dating site I have already seen them on for like the fifth or sixth time. BR has helped me see the dynamics involved.

The excuse making and pedestal putting — this person is so good looking and busy, and I feel like I am not, so I have to sit here and take what I can get. It was my relationship with the player. We live and learn. And thanks too Intuitive — you are very right about the feeling of emptiness it produces. I often wonder if he knew how it made me feel — cos it would just all roll off his tongue so effortlessly like someone babbling about how they have to tackle the over-grown grass at the weekend.

And yes Grace, I may be in a state of mystification about a lot of things right now and I have not found my feet yet at all, but I know for sure I would not put up with that again. God please, no. Yeah, I got that too, Fearless. I had to talk to new man last week about how his management of his work and our relationship can make me feel, at times, as if I have less autonomy than he does. As it turned out, he validated how I felt and has been noticeably more considerate since then.

It was actually a conversation that made us closer. New man actually had quite a different take on some of the things I raised, which was useful and reassuring to hear. You have to be stable from many sources of joy and support to have a happy relationship. This is probably the worst excuse to believe because it makes you blame yourself. You know what? You can immediately connect with an awesome coach via text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here …. You immediately connect with an awesome coach via text or over the phone in minutes.

Jessica Blake Jessica Blake is a writer who loves good books and good men, and realizes how difficult it is to find both. By Lyndsie Robinson. By Amanda Chatel. By Amy Horton. By Kate Ferguson. I want to give you the truth, so that you can move forward and have the love life you really want. A lot of women in this kind of situation are hung up on one guy and ready to do whatever he wants.

They desperately want to be in a relationship with him, and only him, and he knows it. So a woman in this situation is stuck waiting for him to give her what she wants. And unfortunately, waiting for him to change his mind pretty much never works.

Why is that? Meanwhile, he can pursue any woman he wants, and still be confident in the knowledge that he has her in his back pocket any time he feels like it. I know this sounds harsh.

You Make Him Uncomfortable 1. You Annoy Him Much 1. He Doesn't Love You Anymore 1. He Is Depressed 1. Related Content. Michelle Devani. My name is Michelle Devani, and I've been helping people with their relationships since In I decided it was about time I started a blog on the topic, and since then more than 2 million people worldwide have read my relationship advice. Drop me a comment below to let me know what you think. You May Also Like. No Comments. I'm Michelle Devani and would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to my site.